I’ve posted several product recommendations in the past. This is the opposite.

While in New Orleans, I stopped by Urban Outfitters because I’m a wannabe hipster. After browsing through the Crosley turntables and Instax cameras, I moved on to beauty products. I spotted a jar of Murray’s Cocosoft Coconut Oil conditioner. I am a fan of coconut and deep conditioner (and was a little tipsy) so I bought it.

The other night, I decided to give it a try. I had a hair appointment the next day, and wanted to impress Kristy with my luxurious locks. You are probably wondering why I would wash my hair before going to have my hair washed. I also clean my house before someone comes to clean my house. If your hair (or house) is super dirty, people talk.

Back to Murray. So I washed my hair and then scooped up a handful of the new conditioner. I put it in my hair and immediately knew something was wrong. It didn’t move. I tried to massage it in but it just stuck to one section of my hair like a big blob. I repeatedly tried to rinse it out but it freaking repelled water. I somehow managed to spread it around but I could not get it out of my hair. It was like I coated my hair in a cocktail of Aquaphor and Crisco. I panicked and tried to shampoo it out. It wouldn’t budge but at the same time left a layer of slick on the shower floor. I slipped down. I shampooed two more time before crying out “WHYYYYY?” and giving up. For the sake of SK’s already shaky ACL, I threw down some bath salts and then went to bed.

The next morning I woke up and my hair was just as wet as when I went to sleep. I went straight to the shower and shampooed my hair three more times. The goop didn’t budge. I convinced myself I wouldn’t look that bad with a bob and hung my greasy head in shame.

When I walked into my appointment, Kristy knew something was wrong. I believe her actual words were, “What have you done now?” She and Anne consulted with each other over their secret stash of hair potions before agreeing on my punishment. They used some sort of paint stripper on my strands and told me that I was too old to be in Urban Outfitters in the first place. After five (FIVE) shampoos, my hair no longer looked like a vaseline slick. The Sage dream team had saved me from myself once again.

In a twenty four hour period, my hair was washed more times than the entire summer of 2015. It is probably going to fall out from shock.

In case you are wondering, I will not be getting rid of my Murray’s conditioner. If there is ever a nuclear attack, I plan to coat my family with it and we’ll all be just fine.