Valentine’s Day should be renamed “Women are Crazy Day,” or “No Matter What You Do We Will Not Be Satisfied Day.”

Don’t get mad, ladies. You know it is true. He asks what you’d like for Valentine’s Day; to which you respond, “nothing.” And you mean it. Nothing he can give you will be enough on this most special of occasions.

Expectations are outrageous. Unattainable. I blame this (along with the majority of the World’s problems) on Pinterest. The following gifts would be well received on any other day… but not today.

Balloons

What? Am I five? Are you a clown? Yes. You are an A** Clown.

Candy

Thanks for running by the CVS on your way home. I was just telling my friends at work how I. AM. OBSESSED. with Whitman’s Samplers. Did you happen to pick up a gallon of milk too, because we can actually use that. No? That’s okay. After I give the kids a bath and put them to bed I will run out and get some. And never come back.

Gift Certificate – Facial

As if I wasn’t self-conscience enough about my skin. Thanks for pointing out my flaws on Valentine’s Day. OH! It is for an anti-aging facial. You know what else is anti-aging? Suicide.

Gift Certificate – Massage

I remember when you used to give me massages. Thanks for paying a stranger to touch me.

Homemade Gift Certificate – Massage

A “love coupon” that entitles me to a massage? Thanks for giving me something that is free. Why don’t you also throw in some coupons for speech? Or maybe oxygen?

Day at the Spa

An entire day at the spa? You must really hate spending time with me. Actually, you must just really hate me.

Clothes – Too small

Seriously? You think I’m a size four? You just wish I was a size four. Maybe you should just give me a lap band instead.

Thanks for pointing out that I am fat.

Clothes – Too large

Seriously? You think I am a size ten? You described me to the 19 year old sales girl at Hollister, and this is what she suggested?

Thanks for pointing out that I am fat.

Workout clothes/Running shoes

Why don’t you just give me a card that says “You need to park your double-wide at the gym.” I’m going to eat my feelings.

Flowers – Delivered to the office

Thanks for sending me roses once a year. Just think… for what you spent, you could have sent me 10 non-valentine bouquets on any other day. But, I did feel special. Along with every other woman at my office. You know who got the same arrangement as me? The intern. From her grandmother.

Flowers- At home

Looks like someone has been to the Walmarts. I was the only woman at my office who didn’t get flowers today. Guess you couldn’t splurge for the delivery fee. I hope you at least picked up some milk.

Dinner – Out

I love eating dinner at five or eleven p.m. Way to wait until the last minute to make a reservation. Hopefully, you called ahead to have the waiter bring us chocolate covered strawberries for this “special” occasion. No? We should have stayed home.

Dinner – In

A romantic, candlelit dinner at home… prepared by me. I can’t wait to spend all night in the kitchen cooking and cleaning. Maybe I can wash a load of your boxers. You have really outdone yourself.

Cash

How romantic. I’m surprised you didn’t give it to me in all ones.

You can’t buy me.

Stuffed Animal

Aww. You shouldn’t have…because I am going to suffocate you with it when you go to sleep.

Lingerie

We both know who this is for. I’ll just keep the bottle of scotch I got you, and we will call it even.

Heart Pendant

Every kiss begins with k. You know what else begins with k? Karma. And it’s a b****.

Flowers, Chocolate, Diamonds AND Champagne

Who is she? What have you done?

See? You really should have gone with nothing.

The views and opinions expressed in this article are not those of the author and do not necessarily reflect her policy or position on Valentine’s Day or the gifts mentioned herein.